I've been sitting here listening to Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind (the saddest song about NYC ever) and trying to make some kind of sense of everything that's going on in my life.
Is it because I've finally hit the one-year mark of being a soldier? Is it because I finally realised that I'm home? I don't know. But I've been so jaded ever since coming home. Nothing feels the same, nothing is what it's supposed to be. I should be out there but I'm stuck in here, you know.
I just don't feel good. I'm supposed to feel okay when I'm trapped in a horrible place every single day. While I sit alone in a small office with not a single person to talk to from 8am to 5.30pm, having lunch by myself, only having the voice in my head to talk to for 9.5 hours. Is that supposed to be normal? Am I supposed to not feel bleak? How the fuck am I supposed to make it through the next 331 days?
There is light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's so fucking DIM and unattainable. Nothing is certain about what's going to happen 331 days from now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do what I need to do and be where I need to be.
It doesn't feel good to be here anymore. The places we used to go, the things we used to do, the people we used to see. None of them matter and none of them make sense. Why?
I keep asking myself that question.
I find it so hard to be happy. It has never been more difficult in my life.
I'm a shell of who I used to be.
When will everything be okay again?